Meet the Minions (at Work)
Interchangeable, expendable, not too bright, they are the work-a-day servants of the forces of not-good. Evil isn’t their nature. Evil is just their day job. Sooner or later we all end up working for the forces of evil, be they Doctor Coldblood, McDonalds, Comcast, Wal-Mart, or the IRS. Not to be confused with those yellow “Minions-come-lately,” these guys have been eviling up the internet since 2006, four years before the movie “Despicable Me” came out!
Working for a minion agency, the Minions travel from lair to lair, and overlord to overlord, getting blown off catwalk wherever they’re needed.
For years, the Minions at Work toiled in a variety of Lairs for a variety of Evil Overlords. But in 2012 (just as the Mayans predicted!) it all came crashing down. Perhaps it was the economy. Perhaps the forces of Good had become too vigilant. Or maybe it had just gotten too hard to compete with the more mundane forces of political and corporate Evil. (We’re going to stick with “Mayan prophecy, ourselves!) In any case, the lairs began to shut down, work dried up, and the Minions at Work, and most of the Overlords, went their separate ways. Only Cap’n Rehab’s submarine rehab facility, the “Naughtyless,” continued to thrive in the ocean’s depths, providing occasional employment for a Minion or two (and a certain Penguin).
But in 2015, Minion No. 1 again felt the call, and set about getting the Minions (and their Overlords) back together. This is that story!
Here are some of the many Minions you’ll encounter:
Leader of White Team, call him “Number One,” not “No One,” if you know what’s good for you (and if you think he might be listening). Experienced and unflappable, is wise in the ways of Minion. Unfortunately, he’s been blown off a few too many catwalks, and been hit in the head from behind just a few many times, so not everything he says is trustworthy, or even entirely sane. But when it comes to advice on staying alive as a minion, he’s the best you’ve got. He speaks with a mangled accent that’s one part Baltic-state and one part Valley Girl. It isn’t clear if this is the result of his country of origin, or simply repeated head-injuries. He claims it’s because he learned English by watching a pirated VHS tape of the movie “Clueless” over and over. Likes: Bringing his team back alive, pizza. Dislikes: Losing another Number 13, General Zed.
No. 1’s friend, right-hand, and second in command is the completely dependable Minion. You can depend on him to be cowardly, lazy, and selfish. Foul mouthed (he’s really lose with the “frickin’s”) and cranky, it isn’t clear if No. 1 is oblivious to Number Two’s shortcomings, or if he simply enjoys pushing his second into difficulty and danger. Number two is never seen without his gas mask, even off duty or on vacation, and some have a theory that it’s there to keep the noxious in! Number Two could easily be an overlord, but he just doesn’t have the ambition, the work ethic, and doesn’t want the responsibility.
Though he often gets pigeon-holed into immigrant worker stereotypes and prejudices, this Latino minion is in fact a second generation (on his father’s side) native of San Antonio, Texas, and his mother’s family has been in what is now called Texas since it was called “New Spain.” He’s all-(north) American, but he wears an embarrassing poncho knitted for him by his grandmother in the old country. Mechanically inclined, Numbero Cinco is kind of intelligent for a minion, and sometimes has too much of a moral streak for his own good (or at least, for his chosen profession anyway).
The second female Minion, it isn’t known how she ended up with a higher number than the first female Minion, Number 67. But she’s adopted the far more experienced 67 as mentor and some-time BFF. As she’s a recent hire, we don’t know a lot about her yet. Time will tell.
If Number 9 has a motto, it’s “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” It’s not that Number 9 is cowardly or lazy. That’s Number Two’s job. It’s just that Number 9 has a pragmatic view of what constitutes a reasonable payment-to-risk radio, and on a Minions’ salary, that isn’t very much. Number 9 is one of the more technically proficient Minons, and he loves to play with the toys that come with his job. He likes electricity and things with levers and buttons. He likes things that spark, glow, and shoot beams. He especially likes things that go fast, to the point of strapping a warp-drive on the Minionmobile. He can also frequently be seen at the helm of Cap’n Rehab’s submarine, the Naughtyless. Least Favorite Food: Fish Sticks. Pet Peeves: Overtime, penguin practical jokes, salt water corroding his “bling.”
Identified by his camouflage combat helmet, number 10 is the “make war, not love guy.” He’s fond of guns and almost never without one (the bigger, the better). His violent tendencies don’t mesh well with No. 1, who tries mostly to keep him distracted, busy, and out of trouble, guarding the deepest dungeons and most hidden storage facilities. Likes: Guns, Bigger guns, the 2nd Amendment, ammo, Bigger ammo, more ammo, shooting things, thinking about shooting things, practicing shooting things, thinking about practicing shooting things. Dislikes: The rest of the Constitution that some idiots cluttered up the Second Amendment with, peace, a lack of targets, the annoying delay of the Zombie Apocalypse, stopping to reload. Favorite smells: Cordite and victory. Also, Napalm. Yeah. Definately
Often mentioned, never seen, Minion 13 is the “red-shirt” of Minions, replaced pretty much on a weekly basis.
The first lady in a boy’s club, Minion 67 can hold her own against any Minion. While most of the Minions stumbled into the profession, she was born into it, part of a long line of thugs, goons, thieves, and petty-criminals. She’s proud of her heritage, and can always be counted on when a lock needs picking, a safe cracking, or an alarm disarmed. Despite her deep-seated criminal ways, Number 67 has often been known to “cross the line,” dating capes and heroes in a series of doomed, yet entertaining, romances. Voted “Most Likely to be Promoted to an Evil Overlord” three years running. Number 67 enjoys mentoring recent female-hire Number 6, and is largely oblivious when the two of them don’t see eye-to-eye.
This never-seen Minion is No. 1’s cousin. At some past date he fell into a bottomless pit, and therefore is of course still falling. He reports in now and then via cell-phone, text message, or email.
An honorary Minion, the penguin is something of a mystery. Rumor has it that he’s the result of a failed (or too successful) overlord experiment to create an army of hyper-intelligent, genetically engineered, penguins. Whatever. The penguin can often be seen behaving in most un-penguin-like fashion, carrying guns, flying helicopters, and playing practical jokes on Number 9. Likes: Frozen fish-sticks, big shoes, helmets, proving he isn’t “flightless.”Dislikes: Cold water, diving without an aqualung or better yet, a submarine.
Often seen dispensing wisdom from the top of a a mountain of boxes in some lost warehouse, the Ancient Minion is the original leader of the Minions. Some say he was the original Number One, or Number Zero, or Minion Alpha, or that he is so old, he has no number at all. His two favorite underlings were the current No. 1, and the Minion-turned-Overlord, General Zed. When the ancient Minion retired to his mountain and passed the torch, Zed left the Minions, swearing that if he could not rule the Minions directly, he would rule them as an Overlord. This has come to pass, all except for No. 1, who has steadfastly refused to “kneel before Zed,” or even show him the slightest amount of respect. Zed has not spoken to the Ancient Minion since, that we know of, but No. 1 and the other Minions (and sometimes others, such as the Penguin) consult him for wisdom and guidance.
Often seen, rarely heard from, the newbie has been around for a while, but he’ll always be “the new guy.” He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, rarely seems to understand what’s going on even when he’s right in the middle of it, and often gets himself in trouble.
Though he seems reluctant to admit it, the bartender at the pub where the Minions (and sometimes Overlords) often hang out after work was apparently once a Minion, possibly a contemporary of Minion No. 1 and General Zed. He is also wise in the ways of Minion, and unlike most, had the smarts to get out.
Though he is technically an Overlord, General Zed started out as a Minion contemporary of No. 1, and both studied under The Ancient Minion. Once friends with No. 1, something went wrong and they became bitter rivals. Though they work together, each seeks to humiliate and belittle the other whenever possible.
The occasionally seen intern, AKA “Number 333” (he’s only half-evil) doesn’t seem to be liked by anyone, which is okay, because he doesn’t like them back. Mostly he stands around and talks on his cell-phone.
There are other Minions we see from time to time, but we don’t know much about them yet. Often we don’t even know their numbers. Even that guy with a big, red, dart stuck in the middle of his forehead. What’s up with that guy? What’s his number? It’s not 13, because he’s survived more than a week. Ideas and suggestions are welcomed.
White Team have a friendly rivalry with the Tech Minions, who more often work in the control-rooms and upper levels of the lair, not down in the dungeons and labs doing the real work.